The Hunting of the Nark (and Other Verses)
by Riandra
Summary: Lewis Carroll's famous poems re-imagined. One of these days, I'll work out why he and Sherlock Holmes go together so well... Ch 8: The Queen of Hearts.
1. The Hunting of the Nark

"Just the place for a Nark!" the Detective cried,

As he eagerly surveyed the scene;

With the stout-hearted Doctor alert at his side,

And the Dog standing guard in between.

~0~

"Just the place for a Nark!" Holmes repeated once more;

"I expect any second our man.

Fred Porlock has so rarely failed us before

In betraying our enemy's plan.

~0~

"His form is ungainly—his intellect small—"

(The Detective would often remark)

"But his courage is perfect! And that, after all,

Is a capital trait for a Nark.

~0~

"But oh, trusty colleague, I dread most the day

That our Nark be discovered, for then

He will softly and suddenly vanish away,

And never be met with again!"

~0~

They waited with patience, they waited with hope;

They waited till day had quite gone;

The sky overhead became heliotrope,

And the watchers increasingly wan.

~0~

Then the Doctor did yawn, "Must we wait until dawn?

I would rather not sit in the dark."

The Detective looked grave, and said "Courage, _mon brave_ ,

We shall wait one hour more for our Nark."

~0~

But as darkness came on and the stars faintly shone,

The Detective, too, started to scowl;

"I fear you are right, we'll not see him tonight–"

When the Dog cut him off with a growl.

~0~

"Why, Toby, what is it? Our Nark come to visit,

With tale of nefarious scheme?"

The Dog merely frowned, then all jumped at the sound

Of a terrible, blood-curdling scream.

~0~

"'Tis the voice of Fred Porlock! Quick, Watson, your gun!

We'll not leave our Nark to cruel fate!"

Detective and Doctor took off at a run,

Though they feared they would be far too late.

~0~

The Dog led them true to the spot, but they found

Not a wheel track, or footprint, or mark,

By which they could tell that they stood on the ground

Where once had lurked Porlock the Nark.

~0~

"Alas, all in vain!" groaned the Doctor. "'Tis plain

Our Nark's met with some murderous lout."

"Then our mission is clear," declared Holmes, "for I fear

Moriarty has found Porlock out."

~0~

 _They sought him with Yarders, they sought him with clues,_

 _They pursued him with resolute tread;_

 _They brought him to justice with gambit and ruse,_

 _Till at last the Professor fell dead._


	2. The Professor and the Private Eye

The fog was drifting o'er the Thames,

As yellow as pea soup;

While seagulls hovered hopeful, each

A feathered nincompoop,

Forgetting that to land was but

To vanish with a 'gloop'.

~0~

The day was dank as dank could be,

The lanes a sea of mud;

And poor folk cowered helplessly

In dread of monstrous flood,

For one in every dozen courts

Had cobbles stained with blood.

~0~

The Colonel and Professor walked

Through London's streets of grime.

They wept like anything to see

Such vast amounts of crime:

"If this were only organised,"

They said, "t'would be sublime!"

~0~

"The Chinese tongs, the Yakuza,

The Mafia and the Mob;

Our empire, too, needs men prepared

To murder, bribe and rob.

I wonder," the Professor mused,

"If _we_ could do the job..."

~0~

"O criminals, come forth and hear!"

The Colonel did implore.

"Too long we've lived in hiding

From the long arm of the Law;

But here, at last, a chance for all

To even up the score."

~0~

The eldest eyed him warily,

Yet ne'er a word they said;

Such words seemed but a death knell

To the easy life they'd led.

Young upstarts must take care, lest they

Be found without a head...

~0~

But Moriarty's fame had spread

To north, south, east and west;

And from all over England came

The bitter dispossessed,

Agog to hear his words of cheer

And see their wrongs addressed.

~0~

"I thank you," the Professor said,

And shed a grateful tear.

"The time has come for all to speak

With pride of their career;

Your noble dark professions shall

Find weight and purpose here."

~0~

But while they celebrated

The fulfilment of their dream,

Soon Moriarty realised

His thriving new regime

Was up against a heinous threat,

Far worse than it might seem.

~0~

A meddlesome detective

Had begun to snoop and pry,

And Moriarty's schemes had thus

Too often gone awry;

This Sherlock Holmes would rue his choice

To be a private eye.

~0~

Strong measures were required to crush

His enemy – but what?

With long deliberation,

The Professor hatched a plot

To make Holmes' name and rising fame

Diminished and forgot...

~0~

Holmes paced the carpet back and forth;

Where could the Doctor be?

He'd left just after breakfast,

And it now was half past three!

With Moriarty still at large,

Holmes feared some villainy.

~0~

Well-armed with stick and loaded gun,

Holmes left the flat in haste,

His mind awhirl with visions of

The dangers Watson faced.

Best friend and case at risk, but only

One could be replaced.

~0~

Before a warped and flaking door

A solitary sentry

Kept wary eye on passers-by,

Preventing casual entry,

With _Watson's hat_ upon his head –

Absurdly element'ry!

~0~

But at that very moment,

Holmes was spotted by the guard

Who put his fingers to his lips,

His whistle shrill and hard,

And, in a trice, by grim-faced men

Escape was swiftly barred.

~0~

Holmes cursed himself, quite certain that

He'd be heard of no more;

But then the sentry stepped aside...

And opened up the door,

Revealing an unconscious figure

Lying on the floor.

~0~

Holmes hesitated not a whit,

Uncaring of the trap

(Although he started _slightly_

When the door closed with a clap!),

And in the dark, a well-bred voice:

"Good evening, my dear chap."

~0~

"Professor Moriarty,

What an unexpected treat!

It was so kind of you to come –

I hoped one day we'd meet."

"Too kind," replied his host, amused;

"The game is thus complete."

~0~

"Your race to Watson's rescue

Was so admirably quick –

It almost seemed a shame," he said,

"To play you such a trick!

Almost..." And Holmes heard clearly

A revolver hammer click.

~0~

"When Watson's found with gun in hand..."

"The Yard will think the worst?"

Holmes scoffed. "Lestrade would never..."

"True, but _what would happen first?_ "

Holmes paled. A public scandal,

And _two_ reputations burst...

~0~

A laughingstock detective,

Lost forensic legacy;

The doctor branded murderer,

Reduced to penury,

His practice and his writing

Smothered in their infancy.

~0~

"In that case, Moriarty...

I should say that you have won.

Congratulations, my dear sir,

It's been a pleasant run.

Now, Colonel, in your own good time?"

But answer came there none.

~0~

The Colonel aimed his pistol true,

Then saw in great surprise

That Moriarty raised a hand,

With gleaming, thoughtful eyes.

Although allowing Holmes to live

Would doubtless be unwise...

~0~

"And then they disappeared again?"

The doctor shook his head.

"Till next time," the detective shrugged,

Concealing his own dread;

T'was clear why his respected foe

Did not _yet_ wish him dead...


	3. You Are Mad, Sherlock Holmes

"You are mad, Sherlock Holmes," the doctor said,

"I declare you have no common sense!

If a villain has put a large price on your head,

Why take naught but a stick for defense?"

"I shall paint my face white," the detective did boast,

"Wear a sheet to the home of that crook;

So if Gruner should see me, he'll think I'm a ghost,

And with ease I shall pilfer his book!"

~0~

"You are mad," said the doctor, "I've said it before;

When a case will allow you no rest,

You steal all the cushions and sit on the floor –

Of what possible use is a nest?"

"Contemplating rebirth," Holmes replied with a stare,

"Is best done from inside a cocoon;

And now that we're after the missing St. Clair,

I confess that I've found it a Boone."

~0~

"You are mad," said the doctor, "your antics of late

Would try the goodwill of a saint!

While a wax silhouette may be suitable bait,

Can't you see that your landlady ain't?"

"My own pistol," Holmes said, "has been cutting up stiff,

Since 'V.R.' earned her venomous glare.

Ricochet within miles of that critical sniff?

I assure you, no bullet would dare!"

~0~

"You are mad," said the doctor, "your reason kaput,

Treating danger as naught but a joke!

Can you hope to discover this devil afoot,

With no mind left to go up in smoke?"

"Well, then I ask you, Doctor, how mad must _you_ be

To involve yourself in my affairs?

Insanity's catching!" Holmes chortled in glee,

And galumphed down the seventeen stairs.


	4. Baskermoor

' _Twas gloaming, and the lambent moon_

 _Waxed fulsome o'er the darkling moor;_

 _Scarred fells with granite corpses strewn,_

 _The wind their dirge to roar._

~0~

Beware the Baskermoor, my sons,

Whence loathly Hugo earnt his meed!

Dread tale I therefore charge thee con,

And ancient warning heed.

~0~

Yon lordling craved a peasant girl;

Vowed he to be the maiden's swain.

Fair prize he reft from cottier's hearth,

Then galloped home amain.

~0~

As bibesome horde disported late,

She durst descend the vine-clad wall.

Her gaoler, finding bird thus flown,

Began in rage to wrawl:

~0~

"Foul spirits of the world adoun,

My soul this night I gage to thee,

If I might but atake the wench

And make her one with me!"

~0~

He gave his hounds the maiden's kerch,

Rode out amid the savage hue.

Bemased, the squires thence called for mounts,

Their leader to pursue.

~0~

But soon cold ferdness on them came,

For o'er the moor their lord's black mare

Ran frothing at full tantivy,

Her saddle starkly bare.

~0~

Yet anoward the company rode,

And came alast upon a gill

Where Hugo's hounds stood, hackles raised,

Drade gazes fixed downhill.

~0~

And still three revellers durst draw near

Where hapless maid had fled, unwene;

But 'twas not hers nor Hugo's corpse

Mirked most that fearful scene:

~0~

A fenden hound, as swert as pitch,

Crouched over Hugo, een ablaze;

Wrest out his throat with bestious jaws

'Neath watchers' pallid gaze!

~0~

The Baskermoor then faced the squires,

Who scrilling left it to its feast.

Alas! No steed has yet outrun

A malison released.

~0~

For since that night, the demon hound

Has brought our line misfortune sore.

Pray God may shrive, my sons! Till then,

Stay off the bloody moor.

* * *

A/N: This poem gave me the most trouble yet, especially the first stanza! The opening stanza of 'Jabberwocky' makes little sense at first because the nouns are invented as well as the verbs and adjectives: 'Twas _brillig_ , and the _slithy_ _toves_ did _gyre_ and _gimble_ in the _wabe_...'

The rest of the poem doesn't do that except for the proper nouns, such as Jabberwock and Bandersnatch. Of course, Humpty Dumpty gives Alice the meanings of the words later, but what approach to take with mine? Lewis Carroll was a master at writing evocative words that implied meaning without the need for explanation, and in the end I decided not to try to match him, as there are plenty of interesting words in the English language that have either evolved or, alas, simply fallen out of use. I chose not to provide the meanings as I didn't want to patronise readers who already know them. Besides, as Lewis Carroll demonstrated, sometimes it's more fun to guess what a word means, and I didn't want to spoil that. You can look them all up online, if you're curious.

As the story of 'Jabberwocky' is about a hero facing a monster, the original legend from The Hound of the Baskervilles definitely seemed the most suitable! It's a shame about the tragic ending for the maiden, but I'm not out to mess with canon that much. That, and my poetry Muse preferred the darker story to the climax of Holmes's case – although I couldn't resist finishing on a slightly irreverent note!


	5. Twinkle, Twinkle

**Speak Roughly**

Speak roughly to the trembling thief

That on your hearthrug wheezes;

No petty crook deserves relief

Who priceless treasure seizes.

~0~

I spoke severely to the thief

Who lost his prize to geeses;

He'll err no more, it's my belief,

And I'm not the police's.

* * *

 **Twinkle, Twinkle**

Twinkle, twinkle, royal hat,

How I wonder where you're at.

 _Down below in cellar room,_

 _Leading butler to his doom._

* * *

A/N: *shiver* I have plans to expand this idea later, stay tuned!


	6. The Jury and the Mouse

**The Jury and the Mouse**

Holmes declared to a tar,

"If with me you should spar,

As you did with Sir Eustace, this whistle I'll blow.

Come now, smoke a cigar

And begin repertoire;

There is naught you can tell that I do not yet know."

~0~

Said the tar to his judge,

"Not one word will I grudge,

For I'd do all again and be proud to admit."

"Let the Doctor be jury,"

Smiled Holmes, "for I'm sure he

Was never more suited your case to acquit."

A/N: The funny thing is, the original verse is about a bored dog trying a mouse in court, and Captain Croker actually compares Holmes's methods to a cat playing with a mouse! Add to that Watson acting as jury at the end of the case, and there was no doubt in my mind that 'The Abbey Grange' was the perfect match.

* * *

 **How Doth The Smooth Extortionist**

How doth the smooth extortionist improve his study floor,

Back arched like a contortionist, the carpet red with gore.

How helplessly he seems to writhe, how faint his final breath,

And leaves behind a world more blithe, the better for his death!

A/N: You've got to admit, the description of the crocodile in the original verse is a perfect metaphor for Charles Augustus Milverton! Since I couldn't think of anything to match that for Milverton's life, I decided to describe his death instead. Now that I think about it, both these cases are about Holmes letting first-time murderers get away with killing evil men that the law couldn't touch...


	7. The Lion and the Unicorn

**The Lion and the Unicorn**

The Lion and the Unicorn were fighting for the crown;

The Unicorn jumped out the window, chased the Lion down.

Holmes saw a paragon, father saw a clown,

Cousin Mary saw her chance and skipped on out of town.

* * *

 **Tweedledee and Tweedledum**

Tweedledee stole Tweedledum

With horses shod like cattle,

For Tweedledee, the bastard son,

Knew father would not tattle.

~0~

But German master saw them go,

And caused a murd'rous blunder,

Which frightened wayward bantling so,

He fled to parts Down Under.

* * *

A/N: I know, neither of the original verses actually belong to Lewis Carroll, but since they're both in 'Through the Looking Glass', I decided to include them.


	8. The Queen of Hearts

**The Queen of Hearts**

The Queen of Hearts was kept apart,

With peers forbade to mingle;

The Knave of Hearts, he played a part

To keep the maiden single.

~0~

The King of Hearts employed his art,

But let the Knave go free;

The Knave of Hearts, that vile upstart,

Would end on gallows-tree.

* * *

 **Hoity Toity**

Doyle's career was hitting a wall,

Pushed Holmes over the Reichenbach Fall;

Thought it safe to pick up his pen,

Found himself writing his bane yet again...

* * *

A/N: And still more verses that aren't technically Carroll's. You have to admit, though, he did incorporate the characters marvellously into his stories! 'Hoity-toity' doesn't just mean snobbish, by the way, another older meaning is 'foolish'. Honestly, Mr. Doyle, you really should have known better...


End file.
